Wisdom through Age or Sheer Crankiness?

I was washing my hands in the bathroom when a twenty-something I know came in and brushed her teeth, apologizing for reasons I don't understand. The conversation went something like this:

Twenty-something: Sorry! I just hate feeling like when I talk to people they can smell my coffee breath.

Me: That's adorable. I'm like, 'If you can smell my breath, you're too close.'"

Twenty-something:.....

Me: What?

Twenty-something:.....

Me: (after washing my hands) Laterz.

The exchange prompted me to imagine my twenty-something self, and I realized, apart from the very hygienic teeth-brushing, I was like her to some extent. I was careful not to ruffle feathers or step on toes. Now people I know are laughing at this saying, "Yeah, right." And it was true, get me talking about a social injustice or a political belief, and all bets were off. With other aspects of my life, though, I could be very timid. Like most, I wanted people to like me, and I was self-conscious about some aspects of my looks and demeanor.

With age does truly come some wisdom. And with wisdom, comes some confidence. Do I have moments of insecurity now that I hit 40? Of course, I do, but I won't apologize for having an opinion or a voice.

I was one of those women who would go into a business meeting and apologize for any suggestion or comment. Every sentence started with, "I'm sorry, but..." Now, I use tact, but I don't apologize unless I've made a mistake or truly feel regret. I share my opinion, and if it doesn't work to solve a problem, no big deal. I do my best not to take it personally.

I regress occasionally (like with my subsidiary company's president when he looks perplexed at something I said), but I do a lot better. Most of that, I attribute to the life experience that comes with my age. With the filter of life experience, I recently read an article about how women tend to apologize for everything, including their own ideas. Not me. Not anymore.

That means, though, that I have to be prepared for the consequences when I'm wrong. Now that I know I won't curl up and die when things go south, I'm more willing to take calculated risks.

 I'm not old, but I'm older. I don't want to be a twenty-something again. I like who I am now. I've been through tough times and learned from them. I'm blessed with knowing who has my back and who doesn't. Even better, I'm in a position in life to support others.

With that in mind, I hope Twenty-something learns to stop apologizing soon. That young woman in the bathroom is brilliant and sweet and sure to have a bright future. I'll be keeping an expectant eye on her for big things. And I hope to be someone she can say helped her learn to stop apologizing for existing.

Is Two Years Between Posts Too Long?

Recently, I had the pleasure of attending a writing conference. By pleasure, I mean there was crying and teeth-gnashing and last minute doubts, even as I sat in the car in the parking lot deciding whether or not to go in the building. In the end, I went in, late, of course. The first panel already underway (the early bird panel I SIGNED UP FOR), I checked in and received my name tag and materials for other sessions. I vomited apologies on the woman checking me in. She smiled and reassured me, the smile genuine. Eventually I blurted, "Today's two years since my mom died."

The genuine smile morphed into genuine sympathy. She stepped out from behind the table and hugged me. My throat clogged, and my vision blurred, but I accepted the hug with mumbled thanks before darting into the first session.

I spent the day talking to like-minded writers, listening to fantastic panelists, and learning more about social media. Evidently, two years between blog posts is too long. My only real defense is that every time I opened my blog, I saw my last post which was written about sitting in the hospital with my mom before she died.

But it's been two years now, and my mom always supported my writing. She'd be excited to know I have one published novel, two in edits, and four more first-draft manuscripts completed.

So I'm forging ahead with my blog. I won't say I'm picking up where I left off. I won't subject anyone to two years' worth of my rambling thoughts all at once. I'm starting here and moving forward. Sometimes, I think the best we can do is stop trying to make up for lost time, and learn from it, instead.

Capture today.