But there's a downside as well. Unfortunately, with a large family, someone is almost always sick. I remember staying with aunts, uncles, and my grandmother from a young age. And there's an art to it. Here are things I've learned:
- Wear comfy clothes - comfy shoes, soft t-shirts, the fat jeans you hate to admit you have, and/or sweats. And always bring a jacket. It will get cold.
- Bring entertainment. This seems obvious, but I've seen people ready to tear their hair out with boredom as their loved one sleeps in blissfully medicated sleep. When I was younger, I chose a book or two (usually series romance novels) depending on how long I would be there. I also took a notebook for writing. Sometimes I had a pile of magazines (I loved magazines, particularly the ones that now have wrappers to hide suggestive headlines).
- Prepare yourself for some abuse. Younger family members were always the sick person's legs and the pack mule for the older visitors. "Would you go to the vending machines and get me a pop?" "Run to the icemaker, and fill my cup." At times, family members might make crazy requests, but it's part of the hospital-sitting job. In fairness, the adults always made sure to feed the kids ("Here's some extra money for you to get something for yourself.") and praise us ("You're a good kid, I guess."). Honesty is the best policy. And the honest truth is that I was a lazy kid. I needed the reinforcement.
- Treat yourself occasionally but in moderation. I like carbs. I don't recommend that. I would never advocate bad dietary habits (ahem). I'm just saying that I have been known to go home and make a big pot of pasta or have a helping coconut milk ice cream (don't ask). Or both.
- When you're not hospital-sitting, spend time with the people you love. There's no way to completely eliminate guilt over lost time, but it's possible to minimize it.
- Let yourself cry when you get out of the building. Our big family has always taken turns staying with our sick relatives. And I took my turns. Most of the time when I took my turn with my grandmother, we always thought it would be the last time she'd be in the hospital. She had medical problems from the time my mom and her siblings were young so every hospital stay felt dire and scary. She was in her seventies when she did pass away. She died a week after my aunt who died from kidney cancer. I was sixteen. After that, my stepdad had a stroke. He was in the hospital for a week before he had another massive stroke that took his life. A few years later, I took a couple of turns with another aunt. Also cancer. It was brutal on the family, but each illness was brutal on the family. Each crisis taught me, you have to cry, or you'll go crazy. Do it. Find a private place and a quiet moment. Turn on sad music if you have to. Watch a animal shelter commercial with the sad, orphaned puppies and kittens. Whatever it takes, get it out. I'm writing this as I sit in a hospital recliner (wearing a jacket and comfy Converse sneakers) with my mother. Stage four lung cancer, pneumonia, UTI, broken hip, and hallucinations. At the hospital with her, I'm stern - refusing to let her pull out her catheter, talking her out of getting dressed to leave, and making her take her medicine. When I get home, I cry. I cannot stress the importance of this tip. Seriously.
- Forgive yourself. Forgive others. And try not to hold a grudge. After taking her anti-nausea medicine, my mom accused me of trying to kill her and refused to take her medicine. Once the medicine receded, she looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry I thought you were trying to poison me. I know better." It'll happen again, but she won't meant it then either. Besides, she's mom. She's certainly forgiven my stupidity more times than I can count. And I can't blame anti-nausea medicine.
I hope these tips are helpful. If you have any other helpful tips, feel free to leave a comment.
